給以後的我

昨天他說了一些話，我怕我以後會忘記，所以我要把它記下來。

“我每天回來都花時間和你facetime，因為我覺得這樣做是值得的”

“我不開心的時候有你在我身邊，雖然你沒說甚麼，可是我已經覺得很開心很滿足了”

“我把你當成我的另一半，所以我把你當成我自己，很多話我沒說，我以為你會明白”

“我做過的承諾我記得，我和你在一起不只是因為承諾，是因為我已經把你當成另一半，所以我盡我所能去保護你”

然後我哭了。 -____-"

Have been a crying baby lately. Even the slightest emotions can cause the outburst of tears in me. So last night when I was watching running man on my ipad, I got this call from him.

Him: When's my flight again?
Me: 6th lor.
Him: Coming back?
Me: 16th.
Him: On 16th? What time I arrive?
Me: Ya, 5.30pm KL and 7.30 Penang. (Sounded like a his PA or what) Why?
Him: Oh nothing la should be OK.
Me: Why?
Him: Father's day.
Me: Opps, how?
Him: Never mind la should be OK.

Then I continued watching Runningman for another hour, and thought I have been careless for not noticing it was father's day. So I texted him saying 'sorry ah didn't realised it was father's day, can you make it in time for dinner then?'. And here comes the devastating news (wished there'd be lightning striking and thunderstorm emoticon).

Whatsapping---

Him: I think have to change the date.
Me: Of the flight? (Hoping to change Father's Day lol)
Him: Ya, can't go too long, need to settle the stuff here. Change to Wednesday la.
Me: ..... (literally feel knives stabbing into my heart). But we are only coming back from GC Tuesday night.
Him: Oh is it? Then Thursday la, one week there should be enough.
Me: (still a million knives stabbing my heart) OK I help you check and see.

I sat up, sat on my bed, and cried. Sobbing like a kid. I knew I can't tell him to stay, because work is more important, and I totally understand that. But I can't hide my disappointment either.

Long distance has been hard. In fact many would say we both meet way too often for a LDR (just saw him for a month ago when I flew home to vote). We have been together for a year and 3 months now, and we have been in a LDR for 10 months. In this 10 months we have seen each other 4 times, which is not too bad for a LDR. So averagely we see each other every 2.5 months. And to all those who says we are seeing each other too much, go bloody start an LDR before you comment. Being in an LDR is tough, and I have had so many failed LDR that one reason I didn't want to start this relationship initially was to avoid a LDR. But he told me he would try all his best to make it happen, and we have been keeping our promises, trying as hard to maintain this relationship. We facetime each other everyday, but that is different from having to spend time together in person. I always joked that we are just the 1 hour couple, where we actually play a part in each other's daily life for an hour a day. And for the rest of the 23 hours, we have to live our own life.

So back to the story, he says it is just a few days earlier, and we could still see each other for a week. FOUR days earlier, half a week. And for us who could only meet what, 30 days out of 365 days, 4 days is like 1% extra OK. Not trying to make a big deal out of this, and I wouldn't want him to stay and neglect his work either, I just thought I would write this down, so that one day if I suddenly feel like we are seeing each other too much or when we are lazy to do any fun things together anymore, I would look back at this entry, and remember these days, when we have to make so much effort, just to see and spend a week with each other; and when I sat on my bed and cried, because I couldn't see him just for a few days more.

老了

忘了自己是如何可以記得拿些小小的細節，再把它們用文字串起，那些在腦海中已沈睡的畫面，卻隨著這些文字生動了，歷歷在目。現在的我，卻好像再也沒有那種記得細節的腦力，連文字的表達能力也同步衰退了。是老了嗎？還是現在對生活已經麻木？怎麼現在要我寫寫今天發生了甚麼事我也一片空白？

別來無恙？

看看自己，也離開了這里很久。自從那一天。

2011年，可以說是大起大落。去年的我，一如往常地拖著行李箱，回到了熟悉的校園。少了我的好姊妹，少了我身邊的他。我開始了自己一個人的生活。我開始了意想不到的honours生涯。那一年，我都離不開實驗室，電腦室，辦公室。我開始離開了我一直以來以為應該是那樣的澳洲生活，進入一個真正的“澳洲”生活。

何謂真正的澳洲生活？就是我每天至少有一半的時間都跟澳洲人在一起。我開始跟他們坐在草原上曬太陽吃午餐，我開始把沙拉當正餐，開始論文寫不出去的時候一起跑去喝杯啤酒，開始跟他們去看球賽，馬賽，還有不知名樂團的演唱會；到海邊生火看星星，開始發現我有白人的知心好朋友。慚愧的說，第五年了，我發現，我才真正有到澳洲留學的感覺。之前的那四年，我的生活，還是圍繞在亞洲人的圈子里。我很慶幸，我認識了這一群真心的朋友，我還是他們第一個亞洲好朋友呢！彼此彼此啦～永遠忘不了我們honours一起出生入死的日子！

那一天，我們分開之後，我再也沒有繼續寫blog。我不知道我到底是在emo甚麼，或許純粹是懶。那時候的我覺得很孤獨，那時候的我只有論文和實驗的陪伴。慶幸沈澱了幾個月後的我遇到了一群好朋友，是他們讓我離開了原本那封閉的世界，是他們讓我找回原本愛笑的自己。

後來遇到了外公的離開，在我大學生涯最後的幾個星期。很慶幸在大家的陪伴下我渡過了，很遺憾我沒有辦法為外公為家人做些甚麼，只能好好地把我的學業兼顧好。我相信外公在九泉之下會明白那是我唯一能為他做的事情。



2011年年底，我順順利利地畢業啦！不負爸媽的期望，拿下了first class。終於覺得鬆了一口氣，可是還是沒辦法相信自己熬著熬著就這麼過了4年。很慶幸自己跟到了很好的supervisor，做了很好的project，有很好的設備，還有一群像家人一樣的team members。很慶幸我終於為human lens發現了好幾種新的lipids,希望有一天人類的眼睛老化疾病會逐漸減少，甚至治療。慶幸supervisor想要publish我的findings，讓我在澳洲最後那三個禮拜有份工可以打，賺點錢去旅行。

也很慶幸的，拿到了獎學金繼續深造。雖然澳洲政府的獎學金我們這些國際學生很難才拿得到，可是我真的很不確定博士是不是我想要走的路。

回來也有一個月了。這個月，我好好地休息了，好好地玩，也好好地來在家當懶惰蟲。畢業就等於失業，好煩啊！我豈不是雙失青年了，失業又失戀，唉。現在的我，是時候好好來規劃以後要走的路。雖然現在沒辦法確定，可是我相信我會找到我的目標，然後大步大步跨進。

2012年，我來了。

外公。

我們都叫他公公。

三個星期前的一封簡訊，就傳來了他永遠離開的消息。

我終於了解“晴天霹靂”的含義。

我最害怕的事情終於發生了。一個留學生離開家，最害怕的是家裡傳來噩耗，而卻沒辦法第一時間回去。這次，我不僅不能第一時間回去，我根本就沒辦法回去。我想起了我第一次離開來澳洲的前一晚，我婆婆跟我說：“girl，你去那麼遠，萬一有一天我走了你也不能回來看我。”這句話，千刀萬箭穿心般，殘忍，卻是事實。

我不知道如何反應，也沒辦法反應。我還是一樣地走在同一條上學的路，我還是一如往常地走進了會議室開會。我很冷靜地告訴我的同學我公公去世了。然而，一切卻是那麼地不真實，彷彿我靈魂已抽離了自己，剩下來的軀殼，在履行應有的職務。我開完會打回家給爸爸，問問他事情地經過，我竟然沒有哭，我只是很冷靜很冷靜地聽他大略地描述公公在布吉島心臟病發。

公公每一年都會去布吉島參與九王爺的盛典，只是今年，他回不來了。他再也沒辦法拿他拍下的錄影片，跟我分享他在泰國遇到的一切，還有他在泰國買回來的紀念品和食物了。每次他總會興致勃勃地分享那裡的趣事，拿些他買回來的食物給我們吃；然而，很多時候，我們只會說，不要買這些不健康的零食吃，對身體不好。往往，我們忽略的，是老人家出門在外，還是想念著我們，想要和我們分享一切的心情。現在的我，再也沒有機會，和公公吃著拿些“不健康”的食物，然後聽聽那裡的乩童把腳踏車穿過臉頰的故事了。

一整天的我，彷彿行屍走肉般，我還是沒有辦法面對這個事實。直到我見到了一個很好的朋友，我一句話也沒說，就在他面前哭了好久好久。讓我最心痛的是，我沒辦法陪在我的家人身邊，陪他們一起渡過這個艱難的時刻。我終於鼓起勇氣打給了婆婆，電話中的她語氣很正常，她還一直安慰我說別自責別難過別讓她擔心了，她說老人家老了就是會走的。她的堅強，讓我好心疼！

為甚麼？為甚麼不等我畢業回去好好孝順你？為甚麼不等我把畢業照掛在你家的牆上？兩年前我畫了一張自己畢業典禮的一張圖，圖中的觀眾席有你啊，只是那張圖，只能永遠是一個夢，一個沒能完成的夢。

小時候是公公婆婆把我們三個小瓜帶大的。我記得小時候，我吃飽飯就會硬要公公載我去外面的雜貨店買冰淇淋，要不然就是去後面的稻田去吹吹風。他會騎著那輛老鐵馬，載著我越過那一格一格的稻田，越過一群群的鵝和小木橋，去離家不遠的“石井雜貨店”買我最愛的橘子口味冰淇淋。有時候炎熱的下午，我會看他全身汗滴滴地從外面回來，也不忘帶我最愛的冰淇淋。

我們最愛到稻田旁的蓄水池抓小蝦子和小魚餌回家為你的大魚。活蹦亂跳的我在一旁看，每次公公撈到一些收穫我就負責把他們放進桶子里好好看守，還會鬧鬧蝦子。夠了我們就大手拉小手地回去，回到家婆婆還要立刻檢查看身上有沒有水蛭，還每次嚇我說水蛭會從屁股鑽進去，所以我會一直跳，想把水蛭“跳掉”，怕水蛭會黏在我身上，然後趁我睡覺時偷偷從我屁股鑽進去。

公公和我的回憶，大部分留在小時候的老鐵馬，抓小蝦，還有公公的好朋友阿富的西瓜園。遺憾的是，隨著我慢慢長大，我們見面相處的時間越來越少。現在的我沒能在他有生之年，回報他對我的養育之恩。

媽媽過幾天在電話中跟我提起了他們在公公家發現了他臨去泰國寫的一張紙條。 他說：

先曰：我現在不缺甚麼。孩子們都已經成家立業而且他們都很孝順我覺得自己已經很幸福很滿足所以我不求別的只希望他們幸福順利就好。

怎麼能不叫人心碎？！彷彿他在離開之前就已有預感自己沒能回來。而這席話，就成了他的遺言。我們都很遺憾，我們沒有在你生命的最後一段時刻陪在你身邊。我相信婆婆說的話，說他

走得時候是跟神明一起，是福氣。

我的難過，是擔心你一個人在泰國，會找不到回家的路。
不會的，因為我相信，你會一直在我們身邊，守護這我們，看著我們。我相信，現在的你，已經在一個不需要煩惱人間愁事的地方，跟老嬤團聚。而我們有一天，也會在那裡團聚。


親愛的公公，願您在九泉之下安息。

Maybe?

It's time for me to return to the blogsphere?

I can't hide forever, can I?


J

The New Chapter

April is about starting a new season, a new life.
When the winds get stronger and autumn leaves fall, all my sorrows and pain follow,
disappearing into the wind, burying deep into the ground.
I am sure this is a good start.
Being single, is not intimidating any more.

Because from this chapter onwards, I am going to live my life to the fullest,
and be responsible of myself.
Thanks heaps for everyone that had stood by me when I fall.

Love and relationship are meant to compliment each other, not to complicate us.
And love is not about holding tight and suffocate each other,
if you love someone enough, and you know that he'd be happier without you, you learn to let go.
Love is not ownership, love is blessings.

And yes, I would find myself back. The laughing cheerful self I used to be.

Loves,

J



p.s: 祝我們幸福。謝謝一直有你 :)